Growing up I was such a timid little girl, which is what probably made me an easy target. I was pretty much loved by everyone, except of course the bully! However now, I have become locked in my own mind. I keep everything to myself and bottle everything up in fear of becoming vulnerable to bullying again. I feel broken! I am 27 years old with a husband and two children and still living in fear of what happened to be over 20 years ago. I have locked up my past, my bullying experience and buried it deep inside.
I often (a lot of the time) feel like I’m a dandelion in a field of sunflowers. I feel ugly compared to others in the same room as me which knocks my confidence massively. I always feel like I am getting in the way and irrelevant to everyone else. I feel fragile, as if any mean, horrible comment will send me over the edge.
This is a huge part of my story which started at the time of my bullying and still the struggles persist. I can remember, very vividly, crying in my bed with a bucket in my lap and I was heaving into it. I kept telling my Mum and Dad that I was ill so I wouldn’t have to go to school. I stopped eating and was starving myself. My parents noticed how much weight I was losing and took me to the doctors. Still to this day I have times where I really struggle to eat. The apples symbolise my body and show the dramatic weight loss I encountered. It also shows how each day (being each apple) is different to how much I can eat. I choose an apple as they are my “go to” food when I am feeling anxious and struggling to eat.
Night’s are when my anxiety is at it’s highest. This means I often have trouble sleeping and my mind is on overdrive. I hear every small sound in my house. The image above is my kitchen sink which is at opposite ends to where my bedroom is located. I often lie awake and hear the drips very loudly in my head.
I know I have so much love and support from others. My family and friends are very supportive and I rely on them an awful lot. Yet I still feel lonely. I feel like I am dealing with this by myself and the only one in the world going through it. I feel lost in this world and out of place. I choose the teddy as it is a childhood toy, I wanted to link it to my childhood experiences.
20+ years after my traumatic bullying experience I am prescribed antidepressants. I do feel like I have failed, after all I have two children to look after. I am an adult, a wife and a Mum, I feel weak to be put on medication.
I struggle to look forward to things. I cant think about my future. I live my life one day at a time, living one step at a time.
Amianne Riggott OCA Blog 